Heavy Load

I took the weight of their world home on my shoulders last night. Several tough conversations with some of my teen girls just broke my heart yesterday. The things they have to experience and feel... They simply are not fair. I have such a beautiful, loving and simple life, but they do not.

One of the girls came in my office and just stood there. Then she asked for some tape. So, I gave it to her and she left. Then she came back asking for some scissors. I gave those to her and she left. Then she brought them both back so I finally asked what was wrong. After 10 minutes of convincing her I was the smartest person in the world and I knew she wasn't just tired but for some reason her heart was hurting she finally broke down. All I could do was sit and listen.

Finally I looked at her and told her that almost everyday I wanted to take her and her brother home with me. She just grinned. I explained how it wasn't fair what she was going through and I had no way to fix it. This girl actually goes to church on occasion so we then got to talk about the Lord. She learned a huge word called sovereignty... She learned about how Satan's greatest tool is to make is think that lies are truth and that truth is just lies... I expressed to her how taking her from her hurts wouldn't help her in the long run because one day she was going to be able to help people that hurt just like her. However, that wasn't going to happen until God began to heal her hurts first. Then I reassured her the full possibilities of God being a Healer.

Sovereignty is a tough one to understand for anyone. I struggled with it all night last night. At the end of the day though God is still God. And there is not one single thing on this earth He is unaware of. Please keep praying for these children as the only hope they truly have is the Lord. Most people that I know are able to rely on family, jobs, credit cards, etc for love and provision. This child will have neither of those. She will either turn to the Lord or the world will overtake her. It's that simple. There is no middle class or middle ground like most of us have.

Here's the reality though...

In a sense she is so much better off then we will ever be. If and when she realizes that she fully desires to surrender her life to Christ she will be so much more devoted than we are. Our lives are so distracted with stupid things that are only found in this world. We claim to love the Lord yet the temporal things of this world mean so much more than anything eternal. So, should I pray for her to have a life that's more comfortable like mine or should I be praying I have a life more desperate like hers?

That's the question for today...

Desi update

Two months later and Desi's heart is beginning to have glimpses of a softness. Before Christmas break one day I walked into the Club from picking up kiddos and I hear Desi call my name. She comes over to me and says, "Guess what!?!" So I ask, "What?" Then this is what she says with a huge smile...

"I had a great day today!"

I just grinned and hugged her! A day that was not miserable for Desi. What a joy...

After Christmas break I come in after picking up kids again and find 3 pictures on my desk all by none other than Ms. Desi! Still not 100% sure what I'm doing at that place, but Desi does not feel miserable everyday.

Yes, I went to Haiti over Christmas break. I have pictures and videos that I am working on getting on my computer as I type this blog.

Stay tuned for more...

Still unsure...

I still am very unsure of how to run a Boys & Girls Club. Granted, I'm only two weeks into it. There is a part of me though that just doesn't have a desire to know how to "run it". I go pick up one of our schools up each day at 2:30. By the time I get back most of the other kids are there. I walk in the door and typically hear my name from different angles.

All genuinely important issues such as...

We are out of trash bags.

Do you know where the pool stick is?

So and so needs you to pick them up at 4 today.

So and so called and needs you to call them back.

So and so is about to get a pink slip (not a good thing) if they don't calm down will you go talk to him.

So and so, so and so, so and sooooo....

Then I see Desire walk by with her gloomy face as usual, arms folded across her chest. I ignore the other voices so I can kneel down and ask...

Hey Desire how's your day been?

Awful! It's just terrible and I hate it!

Desi, what's going on?

I just hate everything.

Let's go finish your snack and you can tell me what's going with your horrible day.

Whatever. I don't care.

(If I walk off and pretend I don't care I often hear this as I walk off.)

HEY! YOU SAID YOU WERE COMING OVER HERE?!

These are the things I want to do. Sit and hear there little hearts. Desi is typically angry at the world. She usually needs more than a short conversation too.

She is just one.

Generally, there are about 25 others from 6-12 years old. Then in the teen room there might be 5-10 of them. I want to hear about each of their days. I try to come in and say hey to each of them and genuinely connect. Time keeps running out before I can get this task accomplished though! As well as answering other questions... Dealing with the ones in trouble... Answering the phone... Going to buy trash bags... Connecting with my staffers to make sure there day has gone well... Finding the broom...

The job is going fine. Just still trying to grasp it all.

Pray for Desi today. She really has lots of anger built up in a her that no little girl should have.

On the road again (actually in the sky again...)

On December 27th I'll be flying out of Atlanta to head to Haiti for a week. This has brought about different responses from different people. The funniest one was from one of my friends kiddos. I mentioned to him that I was going to Haiti a few weeks ago. Then I told him recently that I bought my ticket for Haiti. He just looks at me and said, "You are seriously going there?" I said, "Yeah!" I went on to explain about the group I was going with, and how I didn't know anyone but they take trips weekly there so I felt pretty comfortable going with them.

He gets a look of relief on his face. I asked what he was thinking. He went on to explain how he thought I was just flying down there by myself to just walk around and do whatever. I assured him I was going with a group of people that have been there before. His 13 year old concern was cute!

So to be clear I am going with a group called Adventures in Missions. They have been doing trips since the earthquake last year and are working with local pastors to best meet the needs of the people. On Friday at the club I was working with some of the pre-teens on researching information for their 4H speeches. During the middle of this I had one of them look up about the hurricane coming towards Haiti so we got to sit and talk about Haiti and the destruction going on there. One girl decided to change her speech to talk about Haiti. Of course by Monday she might have decided to change it again but we'll see.

I'll post more about this trip hopefully soon.

Friday adventures

I had in my mind that Friday would be different from the rest of the week. It's Friday! Good things come on Friday...

I found out about a staff meeting in Cleveland at 12:22. Meeting starts at 12:45 and I'm about to get in the shower to clean up after cleaning at camp. My thoughts... Well, crap!

Finally got to the meeting at 1pm. Meeting still happening at 2:20. At 2:30 I was suppose to leave on the van to pick up kids. Seriously, going to be late AGAIN! That's a personal pet peeve of mine, being late. At 2:25 I lean over and express that I have to leave and walk out of the meeting while our Executive Director is talking. I figure I'll hear about that on Monday. Oh well... Luckily, I contacted a staffer to go pick up the kids.

Finally get back to the club for one of my favorite moments.

Part of the kids we pick up and part are brought on a bus. I love being there when the bus gets there because I go outside and get to hug or high five each of them as they get off the bus.

Then I got to hang out with the teens for a bit while they did there snack which was fun getting to hear about their days and weekend plans.

Friday at the club was good. It was just the meeting before hand that threw me for a loop.

Who knows what next week will hold...

I will be implementing some Club Guidelines AKA THE RULES!

1. Be Respectful

2. Be Honest

3. Be Kind

4. Be Safe

5. Be Joyful

The thought is to take a week for each of those and go over them on a daily basis for the younger ones and begin developing their minds to understand what we expect of them. These guidelines are also what each child will receive from us as staffers. That might not seem like a big deal until you meet these kids. They live in places where there is little respect, honesty, kindness or happiness.

4 days later

4 days later and I question can I really go back tomorrow?

First full week at the Boys and Girls club has been interesting to say the least...

Fun from the week...

It's 2:45 and finally our van gets out of the shop. We are suppose to leave at 2:30 to pick up the kids.

It's 2:30 another day and I go start the van to pick up kids... Oh yeah, it won't start. I call my "boss" and he simply says he really hates to hear that happening on my first week. Go ahead and give him a call back when you figure out what to do... 4 phone calls later, I had a van and a driver leaving at 3 to go pick up kids we were suppose to leave at 2:30 to pick up.

"Out of order" sign on the bathroom from last week apparently. It was bad... bad news... Got a plunging work out that day. Got it running.

Health inspector decides to show up! She shows me of another stopped toilet. Great, that's a critical violation.

And on this same day as the other two toilets that had to be plunged I get a third call of my name to go check the toilet because it won't flush. I use my Camp Agape maintenance skills and determine that we now have no water! Luckily, it was five and most kids were gone.

I find out Monday that Tuesday we have to be open 8-5 instead of 3-8.

Lady who is suppose to help for lunch doesn't show up on the 8-5 day or the rest of the week to help with snack.

I get an email about needing to make sure we are brining in "child certificates" to help our funding. My response to that email looked something like. "Sounds great, what the heck are those?!"

I came home and cried Monday and Tuesday. Part exhaustion. Part overwhelmed.

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There has been absolutely no office/administrative work done this week amidst the fun.

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Everyday though I have had at least one good conversation with a child, and learned about their unfair lot in life. It breaks my heart. Makes me just want to wrap my arms around them and bring them back to my house.

This week I learned of a 6 year old who watched his dad's porn at the age of 4. Which in turn makes him walk around talking about sex.

There is a 13 year old who is in alternative school for the rest of the year due to drugs. He is convinced he will never make anything out of his life. He says he'll end up just like his dad, which is not the best role model in the world.

Today I helped calm down an 11 year old who had been going crazy all day. Turns out he feels like people are picking on him. Not the case but he feels like it is. I promised him that would not happen within the walls of our club. He went about the rest of the day very calm and peaceful. Who knows what he'll be like tomorrow.

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It's Thursday and I'm still thinking what in the world have I signed up to do?! Oh my word... It's been a great mix of Camp and Club this week as I had buildings to get ready to use this weekend at camp amidst the club fun. Almost one week later and I still have no idea how to run a club. I'll keep you posted on the day I finally figure out how to do that. In the mean time please be in prayer for the kids at the Club. Majority of them have no one to pray for them. I hope to change that for the time they are in my care.

Boys and Girls Explanation

About two months ago I began praying about my fall time. We do still have plenty of camp work that needs to be taken care but I typically also have more flexible time at work to do different things. During this specific day I thought of several local ministry sites that I should be more intentional about spending time with them (Boys & Girls club, Angel Wing's Daycare, Copper Basin Crisis Center). Another thought I also had was about wanting to be around more people with the intent to share Christ with. I had the idea to do this and earn some extra money I could substitute teach a couple of days a week.

More than anything I was desiring something that took me beyond my comfort zone. I had just finished reading Crazy Love and Forgotten God and Radical . I went on a crazy reading binge after summer and before my school got started. All these books were great reminders that the Gospel is true and it is real. And I do have a responsibility to daily live that Gospel out in my life before a lost a dying world. Even if it's uncomfortable and inconvenient. They all also had the note of challenge to them. Not just feel good books about how we should love Jesus more. They called their readers to make some choices.

All that lead me to be praying for my fall and how to be intentional. That was Sat - Monday. Monday evening at 5 I get a phone call from the lady who was the director at the club. I told her I had been thinking about her so it was funny that she should call. She said she thought she knew why I had been thinking of her. I explained that I wanted to spend more time there this fall spring truly investing in the kids. She just begins to laugh. She said well that's funny. I am resigning and want you to take my position as the director.

I just sat there. I said that's a little more involvement then I had in mind. However, I will pray about it for a few days. We talked for a minute and then we got of the phone. I just sat there for awhile thinking what in the world?

I spent some time praying about it and asking God if this was His idea of moving me beyond my comfort zone and how I had intended to take some small steps this fall and perhaps bigger ones next spring. Then I called a few friends to tell them of the situation and ask for their thoughts and prayers.

That Friday I was leaving town so I told her I'd try to have an answer.

I freaked out basically for 3 days. What in the world? How does that and camp work? How do you run a boys and girls club? And of course a MILLION OTHER QUESTIONS floated in my head for several days. I went that next day to interact with the kids to get a feel for what God might be doing. I knew when I left that day this job would be fulfilling the prayers I had. These kids come from junk. Pure and simple JUNK. There home lives are not what they should be. They lack the adult love and encouragement that every kid needs and should have.

I got in my car pretty much just cried on the drive home. This is an opportunity the Lord had provided but it scared me to death. Over the next few days I continued to pray just to make sure I was understanding things right... I went back to see the kids on Wednesday as well. Again I left with complete brokenness for their little lives.

At this point I still had no idea how to run a club but I called the director on Thursday, which was a day earlier than she had thought. With hesitation and part confusion I told her I had no idea how it was going to work but I was suppose to take the job. She got way excited! When she asked me to do it she said that they had someone else they wanted to bring in from Cleveland but she told them she didn't want anyone from Cleveland. In the best interest of the club and the kids it should be someone from Benton. She said as she thought about it I was the person she kept thinking about as someone who would care as much about the kids as she does.

Well, it's been a crazy unorganized process filled with lots of moments of me thinking perhaps I made the wrong decision, but I start Monday, November 1st.

No, I still don't know how to run a Boys and Girls Club.

No, I still don't know how this will work out perfectly with Camp.

Yes, I have fallen completely for the kids!

I trust the Lord will show me the rest as I need to understand it.

I hate art!

Today at the Boys and Girls Club I heard my name called a lot. The kiddos had no recess at school and no outside time at the club. That is simply not a good situation. One of the times where I heard, "Miss Lindsey..." I turn around to see little 6 yr old Mr. Connor walking my way. Hands folded over his chest and he is NOT happy. His teacher tells me he has thrown three fits and he won't listen to her. I kneel to hear his side of the story. Arms folded and words borderline yelling he says, "I hate art. I hate drawing. I hate it!"

We discuss why and he just says he hates it. We talk about how at the club art is one of the things he gets to do. When he goes home he doesn't have to do art at all. All he will have to do at home is eat, sleep, play and do whatever else his mom tells him too. Absolutely NO ART!

Then we talk about what he's suppose to be drawing which was some sort of halloween picture with his family in it. Today he came in wearing a dinosaur hat that was really cute. I suggested he draw that hat and he reminds me, "but it has to have my WHOLE FAMILY in it." Then he gets an idea. "What if I draw my whole family with hats on?" I respond that I thought that would be a great idea! He walks off smiling. I walk by to check on him later and he can't draw his hat on himself so I help out with that. Later in the day he comes to show me his picture and said he made it for me...

I'll spare you the other eventful stories of the day and just share the positive one. Once again, children + no recess = bad, very bad

I'm all for investing in some ponchos and telling them to go play in the rain!

By the way for those I haven't told yet as of Monday, November 1st I'll be starting a new position as the Unit Director of the Boys and Girls Club Benton Unit. Lucy, next time you're over this way I can hook you up with some carpet ball for sure!

Little goes a long way

I volunteered at our local Boys and Girls club this afternoon. I just go in and play with different kiddos at the different games that they have. I played air hockey with several of them for awhile. Then it was time for snack and there was a little guy named Connor. I hadn't even played with him but he came up next to me with his snack and said, "I want to sit with you!"

We went and sat down at a table. Then there were about five others that decided to join us. I felt like I had just walked into a dog pin holding raw meat. These kids were attacking me, with questions! Connor was educating me on how to speak Indian, as in Native American language. Alexis was quizzing me on my ability to speak spanish. Devon wanted to play catch and to know if I knew how this toy football from sonic worked. Then Connor gets on the floor and says, "Look what I can do?" He looks like he's having a seizure on the floor. Turns out this little white kid was break dancing. Silly me! Then Devon decides to join him. Two others then begin singing some song that I don't think was appropriate. But I could not catch all the words due to the noise level. I was educated by Alexis it was just a hip hop song.

All they wanted was my attention. They didn't care how they got it. They would ask questions... Sit in my lap... Tap my arm... Grab my hand... Ask me to play a game... They just wanted someone to make eye contact and carry on a conversation with them. They were starving for attention.

Moral of the story? Got any kiddos in your life? Make time for them. Give them some time where they have your undivided attention. Then see the difference it makes... A little attention will go a long way!